Alllllll byyyyyy myyyyyyyyyyyyyyseeeeeeeelf

All right, I have a lot of things to get out and I want to do it eloquently, but let me get this first thing out real fast. FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!! I was walking past the dresser in this little Super 8 room while I was throwing my Qdoba wrapper away and then BAM! I smashed my head into this little shelf that just kind of juts out into the room. SHIT.

But back to business. I am sitting here in a crappy recliner with a warm Qdoba burrito sitting nicely in my belly, a giant bump on my head (no blood, thankfully), Baseball Tonight muted on the TV, Until June oozing through my speakers, and feeling a little lonely. Humans are weird. Today was weirder. Let me tell you how I got here.

I woke up and strung a racquet, went to the Pantry with my dad and my sister and ate a ton of food so I wouldn't want to eat later, packed up my shit and hit the road. I left Pueblo at noon and got to FoCo at about 2:30. This trip is already a lot different than any trip I've taken for tennis before.

I really like the whole team camraderie thing. I didn't think that it was going to be such a draw for me, but I really like being around the team, knowing that we are all out to do the same thing, there is always someone to talk to. It's less chore-like. Driving 160 miles just to play tennis seems like an absurd thing to do anyhow. I kind of get the sense of what it must be like to be a journeyman tennis player, some guy who can never get his rank past 600 in the world or something. You're just kind of out cruising around, seeing different parts of the world while playing tennis. That seems pretty idyllic, right? Well I guess it can be if you are winning all the time, but if you can't crack the top 500, you probably aren't winning all the time, you probably aren't making that much money so you probably aren't traveling with a coach and a little entourage the entire time. Roger Federer I am not. It really makes you lonely to lose your match and then sit back and watch people greeting each other, talking, watching matches, having a good time -- meanwhile you are just sitting there wishing you were still playing tennis. It makes you feel like, "Well, I'm not winning, so what the fuck am I doing here anyhow?"

And something else. I was sitting in my dad's car today while he was at the bank before we went to eat -- yes, that was important -- and I was looking down the street and realized that I could name every building that I could see down the street. It got me to thinking about towns and cities and moving on and people getting excited about leaving and crap like that. Now, understand this. I go to college in my hometown at a school four blocks from my house. I learned to drive my car in the same parking lots that I walk through to get to class. I still go to my brother's high school tennis matches at my old high school. I am relatively happy with my situation as it is right now. I am not burning under the collar to leave this instant because I know a good thing when I am sitting in its lap.

Still though, there is a part of me that is just really anxious to maybe live in a city that I don't know like the back of my hand. Like right now, I am learning Fort Collins. I know at least three ways to get to the tennis court complex that this tournament is being held at, but that's just how my mind works. It leads directly to tennis too, because the tournament today was a new experience. I know all about the summer tournaments in Pueblo. I have helped run most of them. I am as big as they are. I know who buys the balls, I know who makes the trophies, I know who will enter what divisions before they enter. I know the tournament directors, I work for them, and shit, I play in all of them. But up here, I only knew one of the other players, and that was a guy that I met two weeks ago. There are all of these other studly players with fancy bags and new shoes and nice haircuts, and I know that a lot of it is because I am in Fort Collins (not exactly Pueblo). In college tennis, we don't give a shit who the tournament director is or who the other coach is. We are playing for our coach and for our team and things like that, but in this case, I am just up here playing to get better, playing because I want to, and it's a weird feeling not knowing.

I really like going out to the park in Pueblo and walking into the clubhouse and saying hi to Ed and going out and hitting with him for an hour and passing by a few other people I know and talking to them. I am established. I like that. Still, there is something very sexy about not knowing the people, not knowing anyone. Personally, I find it to be an uncomfortable feeling because it makes me feel really small. I am nowhere as big as Fort Collins. That is the root of the issue. Pueblo only occasionally makes me feel small enough to need to do something to make myself feel bigger. But going outside of the city limits, going to this strange, affluent, college place changes it all.

ANYHOW. Fuck. If you're still with me, kudos. The actual match today was less than stellar. I had to play some pro from Longmont and I lost 2 and 0. The first set started out shaky and then I closed it to 4-2 and then he just beat the fucking shit out of me. I played 10 minutes of good tennis in there, and I need to find that and try to make it 20 minutes, and then 30 minutes and then maybe even a whole match. The guy WAS really solid, but he wasn't amazing. Good pace, good depth on all hit shots, really consistent, solid ass serve. Still though, I chunked a lot of volleys, missed a lot of groundies that I shouldn't have. He said to me as we were shaking hands, "I could tell you weren't on -- I wouldn't want to play you when you are. You've got great volleys, are you gonna be in Fort Collins much more this summer? Let's hit." I guess that's nice, but fuck, it would be nice to just climb a tree and beat someone.

Last thought, which kind of nullifies some of what I said earlier. I asked the guys at the tournament desk -- before I left to go see a couple friends (who promptly left the city) -- if they knew of any public parks or high school courts that I could check out tomorrow. I told them I was looking to hit some serves at least, kill some time -- best case scenario, I would find someone to play with. They gave me a map of the neighborhood and marked out a park with 6 courts. Then the tournament director, Tom, who emailed me like four times before I even signed up, gave me his phone number, told me that he lives nearby the park and that he would hit with me late tomorrow morning if I called him. I told him that it sounded like a great idea and that I would be calling him. So that's good. I just want to get a little touch on the ball tomorrow, get a little more feel for it before my two matches tomorrow night.

So anyhow, I might be back later, might not, depends on what's on TV I guess. Might do a little workout and then get a shower and try to sleep. We shall see. Sorry if this is gay. I'm bored.